How to support someone else

It can be hard to know how to support a friend, loved one or someone in your family or whānau who has experienced a crime. The effects can extend beyond the person directly impacted, affecting whānau, relationships, and a person’s overall sense of wellbeing, safety and belonging. 
 
Supporting someone who has experienced a crime can feel overwhelming. You do not need to have all the answers. Often, the most meaningful support comes from responding with care, empathy, and practical assistance.   

Common reactions to harm 

People react to crime and trauma in different ways. They may feel scared, angry, numb, confused, relieved, embarrassed, ashamed or overwhelmed. Some people may appear calm even when they are struggling. There is no right or wrong way for them to feel.  

Experiencing harm or crime can often leave people feeling that they have lost control, safety, choice, or autonomy. Some people may not seem like themselves after experiencing a crime. You may notice changes in how your friend, family or whānau member communicates, behaves, or relates to others. Some people may want to talk; others may need more time for themselves or prefer to focus on practical things.

Whatever their reaction, listening without judgement, respecting their choices, and being there when they need support can make a significant difference in their recovery and healing journey. 

A person can feel unsafe in different ways. Safety is not only about physical harm. A person may be worried about being physically hurt, assaulted, followed, or having someone come to their home, workplaces or other places they spend time. They may also feel emotionally unsafe, frightened, controlled, isolated, threatened or monitored by the person who harmed them.  
 
If someone tells you they have been affected by a crime and are worried about their safety, you might need to act quickly.

For example, if they tell you that: 

• they are frightened of someone
• they have received threats or are being stalked
• they are not safe at home
• they are afraid the person who harmed them will find them
• a child or young person may be at risk
• someone is being hurt right now. 

If you or someone you know feels unsafe, the police and court can make orders to help protect you and others from harm through getting legal protection

If someone tells you that they have experienced harm, it’s normal to feel shocked, sad or angry. While these reactions are understandable, your response can have a meaningful impact on how supported and safe they feel. 
 
You can help someone to:  

• feel safe, heard, and supported
• stay connected to friends, family and whānau
• make sense of what has happened
• access support and information
• take part in the justice process if they choose
• move toward healing and recovery. 

Supporting choice and control 

Not every person who is affected by a crime wants the same thing. You can help them by supporting their choices. Supporting someone's choices does not mean agreeing with every decision. It means respecting their right to make decisions about their own life when it is safe to do so.  
 
If you want to support someone, it’s important to understand what kind of support is best for them. You could do this by asking and listening to what feels helpful and safe for them, offering options, rather than instructions, and respecting their decisions about what they want or need. 
 
Often the most helpful support is help that focuses on: 

• respecting someone’s pace and decisions
• offering options rather than telling someone what to do
• asking before you act on their behalf (unless they are in immediate danger of harm)
• checking what kind of help they want
• accepting that their needs and decisions may change. 

In addition to listening and being present, practical support can help someone feel supported and reduce additional stress during a difficult time. This can include help with transport, making meals, taking care of children, appointments, or finding support and resources relevant to the person's situation. 

In Aotearoa New Zealand there are a range of support organisations that can help people who have experienced violence, trauma or distress including their family, whānau and support people.  

How support organisations can help 

• listen in a non-judgmental way
• help you make sense of what you're feeling
• provide information and advice about your rights or possible next steps
• practical support like housing, transport, acting as a support person to go to appointments
• connect you with counselling
• help you find support that fits with your situation and identity
• help with safety planning
• help navigate systems processes, fill in forms
• support connection to culturally specific, kaupapa Māori, Rainbow, disabled people, ethnic or faith-based services where appropriate. 

Support organisations can also help people understand their options and make informed decisions, while respecting their autonomy and right to choose what happens next. 
 
Find out more about supporting organisations

It can be hard when you know both the person who has been harmed and the person who caused harm. You may feel conflicted, unsure of what to do, or worried about the impact on family, whānau, friendships, work, or community relationships.  
 
It is possible to care about both people while still prioritising the safety, wellbeing and needs of the person who has been harmed. Putting their safety first means avoiding actions that could place them at risk or reduce their sense of control.

This could include: 

• passing on their private messages without their permission
• sharing their location or personal information
• updating the person who harmed them about how they are doing
• pressuring them to ‘keep the peace’ or do something they are not ready to do
• telling them not to get help or support. 

Sharing spaces, such as when you are living together, can also become difficult. You may need to think carefully about boundaries, contact, and what information is safe to share.  
 
If you are unsure, ask the person who has been harmed what feels safe and supportive for them. Listening to their concerns, respecting their choices, and maintaining their privacy can help them feel safer and more in control. 

It’s not easy supporting someone who is going through difficult times. Recovery looks different for everyone. Some people find support through friends, whānau, counselling, cultural supports, support organisations, spirituality or community connection. Follow the wants and needs of the person you’re supporting and remember to look after your own wellbeing too. 

More information about support & wellbeing

If the case goes to court 

There are different ways you can support someone during the court process